I arrived in the truck very early
in the morning. I bad been driving all night for I hadn't been able
to sleep at the motel so I thought I night as well drive and I arrived
among the mountains and hills near Ketchum and Sun Valley just as
the sun came up and I was glad I had kept busy with driving.
I drove into the town itself without
looking up at that one hill. I was afraid if I looked at it I would
make a mistake. It was very important not to look at the grave. At
least that is how I felt. And I had to go on my hunch.
I parked the truck in front of an
old saloon and walked around the town and talked to a few people and
breathed the air and it was sweet and clear. I found a young hunter,
but he was wrong; I knew that after talking to him for a few minutes.
I found a very old man, but he was no better. Then I found me a hunter
about fifty, and he was just right. He knew, or sensed, everything
I was looking for.
I bought him a beer and we talked
about a lot of things, and then I bought him another beer and led
the conversation around to what I was doing here and why I wanted
to talk to him. We were silent for a while and I waited, not showing
my impatience, for the hunter, on his own, to bring up the past, to
speak of other days three years ago, and of driving toward Sun Valley
at this time or that and what he saw and knew about a man who had
once sat in this bar and drunk beer and talked about hunting or gone
hunting out beyond.
And at last, looking off at the wall
as if it were the highway and the mountains, the hunter gathered up
his quiet voice and was ready to speak.
"That old man," he said. "Oh, that
old man on the road. Oh, that poor old man."
I waited.
"I just can't get over that old man
on the road," he said, looking down now into his drink.
I drank some more of my beer, not
feeling well, feeling very old myself and tired.
When the silence prolonged itself,
I got out a local map and laid it on the wooden table. The bar was
quiet. It was midmorning and we were completely alone there.
"This is where you saw him most often?"
I asked.
The hunter touched the map three
times. "I used to see him walking here. And along there. Then he'd
cut across the land here. That poor old man. I wanted to tell him
to keep off the road. I didn't want to hurt or insult him. You don't
tell a man like that about roads or that maybe he'll be hit. If he's
going to be hit, well that's it. You figure it's his business, and
you go on. Oh, but he was old there at the last."
'He was," I said, and folded the
map and put it in my pocket.
"You another of those reporters?"
said the hunter.
"Not quite those," I said.
'Didn't mean to lump you in with
them," he said.
"No apology needed," I said. "Let's
just say I was one of his readers."
"Oh, he had readers all right, all
kinds of readers. Even me. I don't touch books from one autumn to
the next. But I touched his. I think I liked the Michigan stories
best. About the fishing. I think the stories about the fishing are
good. I don't think anybody ever wrote about fishing that way and
maybe won't ever again. Of course, the bullfight stuff is good, too.
But that's a little far off. Some of the cowpokes like them; they
been around the animals all their life. A bull here or a bull there,
I guess it's the same. I know one cowpoke has read just the bull stuff
in the Spanish stories of the old man's forty times. He could go over
there and fight, I swear."
"I think all of us felt," I said,
"at least once in our lives, when we were young, we could go over
there, after reading the bull stuff in the Spanish stories, that we
could go over there and fight. Or at least jog ahead of the running
of the bulls, in the early morning, with a good drink waiting at the
other end of the run, and your best girl with you there for the long
weekend."
I stopped. I laughed quietly. For
my voice had, without knowing, fallen into the rhythm of his way of
saying, either out of his mouth, or from his hand. I shook my head
and was silent.
"You been up to the grave yet?" asked
the hunter, as if he knew I would answer yes. "No," I said.
That really surprised him. He tried
not to show it.
"They all go up to the grave," he
said. ''Not this one."
He explored around in his mind for
a polite way of asking. "I mean . . ." he said. "Why not?"
"Because it's the wrong grave," I
said.
"All graves are wrong graves when
you come down to it," he said.
"No," I said. ''There are right graves
and wrong ones, just as there are good times to die and bad times."
He nodded at this. I had come back
to something he knew, or at least smelled was right.
"Sure, I knew men," he said, "died
just perfect. You always felt, yes, that was good. One man I knew,
sitting at the table waiting for supper, his wife in the kitchen,
when she came in with a big bowl of soup there he was sitting dead
and neat at the table. Bad for her, but, I mean, wasn't that a good
way for him? No sickness. No nothing but sitting there waiting for
supper to come and never knowing if it came or not. Like another friend.
Had an old dog. Fourteen years old. Dog was going blind and tired.
Decided at last to take the dog to the pound and have him put to sleep.
Loaded the old blind tired dog on the front seat of his car. The dog
licked his hand, once. The man felt awful. He drove toward the pound.
On the way there, with not one sound, the dog passed away, died on
the front seat, as if he knew and, knowing, picked the better way,
just handed over his ghost, and there you are. That's what you're
talking about, right?"
I nodded.
"So you think that grave up on the
hill is a wrong grave for a right man, do you?"
"That's about it," I said.
"You think there are all kinds of
graves along the road for all of us?"
"Could be," I said.
"And if we could see all our life
one way or another, we'd choose better? At the end, looking back,''
said the hunter, "we'd say, hell, that was the year and the place,
not the other year and the other place, but that one year, that one
place. Would we say that?"
"Since we have to choose or be pushed
finally," I said, "yes."
"That's a nice idea," said the hunter.
"But how many of us have that much sense? Most of us don't have brains
enough to leave a party when the gin runs out. We hang around."
"We hang around, " I said, "and what
a shame."
We ordered some more beer.
The hunter drank half the glass and
wiped his mouth.
"So what can you do about wrong graves?''
he said.
"Treat them as if they didn't exist,"
I said. "And maybe they'll go away, like a bad dream."